Thursday, August 20, 2015

Thank you, I am working hard! (Though the frequency of blog posts would indicate otherwise)

Working in japan you will often hear the phrase `Otsukaresama` (お疲れ様). Unless of course you’re a lazy git! It`s just a general, `oh look at you working hard.` When you are rushing around your workplace, or are seen there later than usual, people will typically say Otsukaresama to indicate their appreciation of your hardships. Sometimes when you are talking about upcoming work or how busy you have been lately, Otsukaresama will mean `thank you for your hard work` or `I can see you worked hard.`

But the strangest place I’ve had this phrase uttered to me, is when i`m in the men`s room. Now picture the scene, its coming to about five or six o’clock, the sun is going down, you`ve been fighting the urge to pass out during the days sweltering heat. You decide now is the perfect time for a call of nature. But many people get the same tingling as you. As you stand in the stall, whistling whatever tune is in your head that day (Top of the World by The Carpenters currently), a man walks in and stands in the stall beside you. He nods slightly in your direction and says, `You must be tired.`
 
'I see productivity is up this quarter, keep it up Johnson'
 
Your first instinct is to be defensive! `That`s not tiredness, I`ve a lot on my mind. What is that `something in the wind that`s learned my name` that Karen Carpenter is singing about? It`s cold in here. Etc etc.` But then realise he`s saying you are tired because of all the hard work you`ve been doing. Then you relax, lean back a little, and think yes, yes, Yes, I have been working hard today!

In fact, if you just walk around with a pensive look on your face, people will assume you`re working hard and give you an enthusiastic `Otsukaresama` anyways. I`ve been perfective my `deep contemplation` face for months now. For added effect, always carry a clipboard. No one questions the work ethic of a man with a clipboard and a far off thoughtful look in his eyes.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Naked Man: The Last Straw

If you are going to strip off and wrestle with more than a hundred men over a bale of straw, I advise you to have a few drinks beforehand. If you take nothing else away from reading this, then please remember that.

On January 18th I took a trip to Tamana in Kumamoto prefecture to take part in The Matobakai Festival. Better known as the Naked Man! For this festival you go to the local shrine wearing naught but a fundoshi (traditional Japanese loincloth) and try and grab some straw from the centre of a…… well…… man-pile basically. This straw will bring you luck for the coming year. A couple of laps of the shrine and the pile will head to the beach where the festival ends. It takes about two hours to do this.

There are a number of Naked Man festivals, or Hadaka Matsuri, in Japan. The biggest being in Okayama where 10,000 men regularly participate. That’s a lot of bare flesh to take in, but conversely, probably a lot of luck to go around too.

Once you sign in at the local community centre, you are given a bag for your clothes and a goodie pack to commemorate the event. This includes your choice of t-shirt. Unfortunately I was a little on the late side, so the only t-shirts left were in XL or XXXL. Can you guess which one I rolled up and tucked under my arm?

Next you head into a room where the town has laid on an impressive spread of food and drink. Most of the food was left, but the supply of drink was nearly exhausted. There was still time to be poured a number of cups of liquor before everyone had to head off to get fitted with their fundoshi. As I mentioned, it’s a good idea to drink what you can here because as some of the participants explained to me, it’s the only way to ensure the day goes ‘safely’. The more you drink, the safer you are. You are going to get pushed, squashed, trod on and generally blackened and bruised. It will all go a lot smoother for you if you’re numb with drink. Judging by the red eyes and faces from of few of the guys wandering around, it looked like some of them could have been trampled on by a herd of elephants and they would have been fairly ‘safe’.
Spot the straw
After this you strip off, put your clothes in a bag, and a man who seems to have enjoyed a few toasts himself wraps the cotton loincloth around you. It’s so tight you can barely breath, bending over is a struggle, and you can forget about using the bathroom form this juncture on. But it helps you keep your modesty (mostly). It’s a good idea to put tape on your feet at this point. Sadly having not brought any, having been under the impression that it was supplied to us for some reason, I was left using what few scraps I was given by people who were finished with their own rolls. This resulted in one foot being wrapped and only a few toes on the other covered. This schoolboy error would come back to haunt me later! Then everyone heads down the street to the shrine where the fun is about to begin.
A huge crowd had gathered and seeing as myself and my American friend were the only two foreigners taking part, we had to pose for countless photos. We had a few more shots of alcohol, and then the straw carrier came out of the shrine and was immediately set upon by all these semi-naked drunken men. The object of the game is pretty much to climb over everyone, get to the middle and pull some of this lucky straw up. Often you have no choice in whether you are heading up or not, as you are hoisted up from behind and throw atop the other men. I managed to get on top of the pile twice, but that was more by luck than skill.  I may have wrenched a testicle at one stage too, but it was worth it to get your hands on some of that sweet, sweet straw.

When a group of three or four men are on top of the pile, and they seem relatively steady, they will be passed a young boy, or even a baby, to hold up. A huge cheer goes up and everyone claps. Those kids will surely have a good year this year! That lull quickly disappears though as the massive pile-on continues to do laps around the shrine. Bucket after bucket of cold water are thrown over the group as it goes around too. Mainly to cool everything down as it can get rather steamy, but all it served to do was temporarily blind me most of the time.

Remember how one of my feet was not properly tapped up? Well coming around the second lap, I looked down to see that it was crimson red after a nasty cut. Limping through the mud and dirt I made my way to the outskirts of the pile. Here one of the stewards saw me and directed me to where I could get fixed up. I was sat on a chair and asked where I was from? When I replied ‘Ireland’ one of the men made a gesture as if to indicate a moustache and said ‘Whiskey!!’ I didn’t think it was the time to inform the crowd of my countries rich cultural heritage, so I simply said ‘Yes!’

After washing off my foot I saw I had two red gashes on the top. If only I had brought tape! One man went off to get some bandages while another inspected my foot. Someone came over with a big bottle of drink. Finally some alcohol to help with the pain I thought. But instead the man inspecting my foot took a big swig from the bottle and spat it out over my freshly cut foot! I was starting to think this man wasn’t a doctor, and that this was less a medical area and more like a group of people getting drunk around a fire! I warmed up for a few minutes, had a few drinks, explained that Ireland isn’t Iceland, and then had a few more drinks. A bottle of whiskey was even produced. The label just said ‘Black’ and it wasn’t too bad.

I made my way back to the pile, which at this stage was winding its way through the town’s streets on the path to the beach. Not as much climbing all over each other this time as the pile was moving at a bit of pace toward the sand. One last big push and what was left of the straw bale made it to the water and a massive applause can be heard from the on looking crowd. Everyone congratulates each other and we all head back to the local onsen to get washed off. What straw I had was safely tucked away inside my fundoshi. I seemed to be lucky to make it through the day in one piece, so perhaps I will be lucky for the rest of the year also.

A flurry of cameras take pictures of me and my friend. We were even interviewed for two local television stations. I was asked do we do anything like this back in Ireland? I had to inform them that sadly we don’t. Maybe I should have blamed the recession. Anyway, somewhere out in the aether, there is a clip of me half cut and half naked on Japanese TV.

Once at the onsen you get hosed off and a man with a giant scissors cuts you out of your loincloth. Then a quick shower and a hot soak. Now I’m not sure if the onsen bath was small or if it only looked small because there was a hundred guys in it at the same time? After you are sufficiently soaked you can go look for your bag of clothes. Handily mine had my name written in English so was found quickly enough. Now fully clothed, I was informed that more drinking and eating will be done at a party upstairs. But if I went to another party you could safely assume that I would not be able to write this as I would have forgotten the events of the day in some drunken haze. So with a wrenched testicle, a bruised foot, and an oversized t-shirt I headed for home.

Would I do it again? Definitely!

To next years Naked Man!

Sunday, December 7, 2014

You must defeat Hoikuen to stand a chance

Since mentioning my trips to Hoikuen in the last post I thought I should elaborate on what a visit to these places are like , and each visit for the first month went roughly like this.....

I arrive at nine in the morning and was given cold black coffee. You need the caffeine hit to be able

to handle over 50 hyper kids!
It's like the movie Kindergarten Cop on fast-forward

At playtime I was chased by an army of five year olds on stilts, and I found out I'm not as good at Janken (Rock, Paper, Scissors) as I thought. When the kids are finished climbing all over you it's class time.


The CD player didn't work (or the CD I made didn’t work more likely), so I had to sing the alphabet, numbers and Halloween songs in my lilting Irish brogue.


During colouring time I gave the kids a choice of two pictures, a witch or a pumpkin. Only one child picked the witch. I had to ration the colour orange.

At lunch time they feed me like I'm a sumo wrestler who has just appeared after a month in the wilderness. In my first month I wasn’t as good with chopsticks as I am now, so it takes me ages to finish. Plus the kids keep talking to me about random stuff. It’s all hilarious to them, but for the most part I’ve no idea what’s going on. I always manage to eat all my lunch though, despite some of it not looking like anything resembling actual food!.
After lunch I put on my witch's hat and went around handing out Halloween candy to all the students. The one year olds were a bit wary of me with the hat on, so I took it off.... and they started crying their eyes out!
After trick or treating I high fived every student (twice!) and left the hoikuen to a chorus of ABC.
Just another morning for Garry-sensei! Then, a short rest, and off to Shogakko (elementary school). ing time I gave the kids a choice of two pictures, a witch or a pumpkin. Only one child picked the witch. I had to ration the colour orange.
At lunch time they feed me like I'm a sumo wrestler who has just appeared after a month in the wilderness. I managed to eat it all though.
After lunch I put on my witch's hat and went handing out candy to all the students. The one year olds were a bit wary of me with the hat on, so I took it off.... and they balled their eyes out!
After trick or treating I high fived every student (twice!) and left to a chorus of ABC.
Just another morning for Garry-sensei. Now, short rest, and off to shogakko.
ing time I gave the kids a choice of two pictures, a witch or a pumpkin. Only one child picked the witch. I had to ration the colour orange.
At lunch time they feed me like I'm a sumo wrestler who has just appeared after a month in the wilderness. I managed to eat it all though.
After lunch I put on my witch's hat and went handing out candy to all the students. The one year olds were a bit wary of me with the hat on, so I took it off.... and they balled their eyes out!
After trick or treating I high fived every student (twice!) and left to a chorus of ABC.
Just another morning for Garry-sensei. Now, short rest, and off to shogakko.

Rudolph the Senpai Reindeer

Happy Christmas Everybody!

I teach in four Hoikuens (kindergartens) and in the middle of the month I have a meeting with the four principals where we hash out my lesson plan for the following month’s classes. Through some elaborate hand gestures and excited over-acting I show them how I am going teach the kids the alphabet or numbers or whatever. These four old ladies are really nice; they try and ask my lots of questions despite not having much English and me not having much Japanese.

I can usually make an adequate response to all the queries they have for me, but this month they asked me something that had me stumped. What age is Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer?? I just couldn’t satisfy them with an answer.

Age is very important in Japan. Children are thought to respect their elders. In companies the older more senior people are looked up to by the younger more junior members, because with age comes wisdom right? The longer you are doing a job, the better you are supposed to be at doing it, yes?

I have been asked my age on numerous occasions, perhaps it is the easiest way to place me in the hierarchy? And people will offer you their ages, even if you have only just met them. I was at a bar the other night and the barman asked me my age (not because I looked too young to be drinking whiskey unfortunately) and after I had answered he told me his age. The whole thing was bizarre, but it happens all the time.

So in the story of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, if Rudolph is going to be leading Santa’s sleigh tonight, he better be the oldest reindeer! I hadn’t the heart to tell them that Rudolph is more than likely the youngest reindeer. He should never have been anywhere near the front of that sleigh, but needs must I guess and when the weather turned foggy on Christmas Eve, then the real leader of the pack made the call to put Rudolph in that position, we shouldn’t lose sight of that. But these four ladies didn’t want to know this and were obsessed with finding out the age of Rudolph.

As I visit each Hoikuen I dress up as Santa and we sing Christmas songs, but as of yet, no one has asked me how old Rudolph is. I presume it has just become the elephant in the room when the song is played on the CD player. The oldest, most senior elephant.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Onsen It Begins

Why has it taken so long to put up my first blog post here in Japan?

Well, you see, I wanted to wait until I had done something truly Japanese, something I could never do back in Ireland. Now for a moment, it was almost the time when I was sitting in a restaurant and I was handed a fork, then all of a sudden I thought to myself, ‘How the hell am I supposed to eat with this?’ It quickly passed, but it was a bizarre feeling to have as I struggled to grip this basic utensil in any fashion that would have enabled food to get to my mouth.

No. Something that I could never do back in Ireland (or never thought I would do anywhere) was strip naked in front of a load of Japanese businessmen and enjoy a hot bath. Now you can bring a little towel into the Onsen in order to cover whatever it is you feel like covering, but I felt like meh! I’m naked now, might as well just embrace it. I was also convinced that if I brought in a towel I would just somehow end up losing it or leaving it behind. It’s probably hard to mislay the only item you have with you while you’re wandering around naked, but I wasn’t going to take that chance.

It only cost about 500yen to go the Onsen and you can pretty much stay as long as you want. Once inside, just strip off, put all your clothes into a basket and onto the shelf, then off to the bathing area where you can shower, sauna, and hot or cold soak to your heart’s content. You see guys young and old here, but there does seem to be more old guys enjoying the soothing waters than others. After you have given yourself a good scrub in the shower area, and don’t forget to clean down after you use it! You are free to just take on all the hot and cold water you want. Free and easy.

The Onsen I went to had a large outdoor pool, you could get a good fifty men in there at a push I’d say, and a less rocky, not as deep, indoor pool. There was a small icy-cold dipping area and a sauna with a TV and a twelve minute clock. There was figure-skating on the television, and I didn’t find out what happens if you stay in there longer than twelve minutes, I had to get out as it was just too damn hot! I stayed for around an hour and a half and being honest after about two minutes you don’t even care you’re naked, and in fact you probably think, ‘why haven’t I thought of this before?’

So you finish up and head back to dry off in the changing room. At this stage you are oblivious to all the nakedness going on around you, or even that you are naked yourself (well at least I was). Until… I turned around at one stage, in all my ‘glory’, only to be facing the cleaning lady who had just come in the door. Suddenly as this sixty-odd year old woman is passing me with her mop, I am hit by the notion that I should probably get dressed. She muttered a general ‘thanks for your custom’ greeting as she passed me and went about her work. Then I realised, it’s nothing she hasn’t seen before, probably a million times before. She’s probably seen more old man penis than I ever will.

I get dressed and walk towards the restaurant, all this nakedness is hungry work, and they do a good ramen with onsen egg I hear. While I’m not about to turn going to the Onsen into a daily thing (even though it is pretty cheap….), I will definitely go back. Plus I would encourage everyone else to give it a try. I mean, if you can’t get stark naked with a bunch of other hardworking people every now and then, why are you even getting up in the morning?